I lift my hands to believe again. You are my refuge you are my strength. As I pour out my heart, these things I remember. You are faithful, God, forever.

Five things I like about myself:

- I truly believe in the good of people (until they prove me wrong on multiple occasions)
- I can connect with people very well on an emotional level. I quickly empathize with others and can understand people's emotions.
- I am beautiful. :) Inside and out.
- I am artistic. I know how to dance, sing, draw, write, and think philosophically.
- I am a genuine human being.

I need some talk therapy. I have a lot I feel I need to get off my chest and out of my system. But I can't exactly do that with anyone around me, I'm no longer close to anyone, and I don't feel comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with my sisters at all anymore. I only feel judged every time I talk to them.

What is it about me that makes me so unlikable? I know I have many weaknesses and I am glad they are being pointed out to be. I appreciate every constructive criticism I receive, but at the same time, I also don't want to become consumed with it and become depressed focusing on it and being self-conscious about it. The last thing I need is depression right now. It's been years since I've been actually depressed, so I have forgotten how it really feels like. I definitely don't want to slip into that trap again though! So I am trying my best to stray as far away from debilitative thoughts as possible.

One of my main weaknesses is being too naive. I tend to believe in the good in people, and it makes me lose touch with reality. Every time someone disappoints me, I become so surprised and hurt. And betrayed. Putting it in writing really helps me to realize how extreme this all sounds. I am truly an idealistic person. And it is my biggest shortcoming. I will be so naive because I am so nice to people. I hate feeling judged, and I hate it when people can't connect emotionally to one another.

Dan expressed that he would like for me to think about my actions before I take them more. Think before I say things too. Some things I say can end up hurting me in the end, and I need to be more aware of the big picture in the long run. I can't let my emotions dictate so many decisions and judgments in my life. I tend to make most of my judgments based on my feelings and emotions instead of background knowledge and experience.

That's a great way to put it. I appreciate that Dan is so patient with me. I know I need to be patient with him too... and I am! Speaking of patience, Dan has lost 2 lbs lately! He looks amazing right now. Whoever thought two pounds can make such a huge difference. He went from 166 to 164. It's a great start. :)

His two interviews in the past two days did not go well. And I know that's really discouraging. But I know he just needs practice as well as the right timing. He has one more tomorrow, with Barometer? for an ITgenome internship position. I pray to God he gets this. It would be PERFECT for him! Being a Genetics/Physiology major and IT interest and all...

I had a lot more I wanted to write but maybe I will save it for later. Ja mata!

One of my weaknesses most definitely is being too nice. This is why I get taken advantage of by others easily. And an unfortunate by-product of this weakness of mine is being naive. I hate that word. I've hated it since my sisters called me it years ago. And I've tried to stray away from it as much as I help since then. But ironically, the nicer I am, the more naive I become. Why is it so difficult for me to just stand up for myself, and even be mean to people. The only person I can think of that I have actually done this to is my own mother. Otherwise, I think I've tried to be nice to everyone I know in my life---which is hurting me more than it has ever helped me. I've stood up to Anh and Xuan, and my mother, and even Jesse when there was that risk of being taken advantage of, but I've never really actually just stuck it through, I've always given in somehow, in forgiveness or in naivetivity. And Dan hates that about me. He hates that I am too nice to people, that I don't have the heart to see people for who they could really be but for how I expect them to be (as nice as me). And it's a negative thing.

He pointed this out to me when I became upset again over my willingness and extra effort in creating P90X dvds for my coworkers, Nikki and Candy. He doesn't like the fact that I am spending extra time on something so unnecessary, and that he can see me get taken advantage of easily. He took Marty as another example. Now that I can agree to, but the P90X example I didn't. The Marty situation disgusts me, and I will try everything in my power to stay away from him. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I always want to please people. I always want to be nice. I always want to do the right thing though. I hate this. I need to learn the difference between doing the right thing (for myself), and being mean.

It doesn't give Anh an excuse for being as pathetic as she is though.

I wonder what's wrong with me. I'm spiraling out of control again. I'm not happy with my personal life. Not really with my work life. Not happy with my relationships or anything. I am just a living mess. Today, as I was lying there with Dan, the words "I want to die" unexpectedly came out of my mouth. And I have no idea what spurred it. I was just in a moment of lack of motivation. And lying there doing nothing but "cuddle" didn't help one bit. I hate cuddling. I think it is a huge waste of time. Because we do it too much. I also hate it when we sit and watch movies and tv shows mindlessly. I hate mindless activities. I hate the things/activities I do with Dan. The lifestyle we lead. But we have no money. Even if we had money, I doubt we'd do anything differently. Dan is so lazy... AND unromantic. *sigh*

I want to break up with him. But am I too nice? Am I too scared?

There are so many things I want to do!! I can't fit them all in! :)

- I want to study for and take the GREs.
- I want to buy more clothes because I have seriously been deprived of good clothes for too long!
- Add rib-cage black heels to that.
- And a Burberry or Coach purse. hehe, wishful thinking.
- I want to dye my hair light brown.
- Get a new phone... ;/
- More leggings, glasses, underwear sets, perfume, contacts,

- More volunteer work
- I want to check out the farmer's market
- Go to Chicago!
- Practice digital photography
- Practice cooking! Cook more foods using recipes!
- Read more blogs.
- Watch more news (and read more news)
- Help find a job for Dad
-

Also, I would like to get my hands on a copy of my old Philosophy textbook "Moral Contemporary Issues and Ethics"???

Interracial Relationships

First off, I would like to apologize for calling you "narrow-minded", for attributing this to a large fraction of the white male population interested in Asian women. I understand how it is not narrow-minded for you to feel this way in the sense that you have dealt with this, seen it, and experienced it yourself for years. And I have acknowledged and do acknowledge that. However, I feel like you aren't satisfied with simply that acknowledgement, that you don't think I fully acknowledge, comprehend, and understand this concept until I am on the same page as you with thinking or believing that the majority of interracial relationships out there involve this perversion, based on the facts that you presented, such as how 'ubiquitous' this problem has become, worldwide. But that is not true. And I have never once defended the majority of the world like you said, so to say that would be putting words in my mouth too. Believing that it is not happening in the majority of interracial relationships is not the same thing as "standing up for the majority of the world". I am focusing on and addressing individual cases of interracial relationships. This is different from the widespread media portrayal of Asian men and women, and different from me thinking that it isn't an influence, because I do agree that it is.

I know what you're going to say, that when I argue, I only argue for the exception. But that is what the nature of an argument is all about, pointing out the exceptions. This doesn't even really apply anyway, because I already know you know there are exceptions. What we have been arguing about is different from this anyway.

You may be trying to prove a point by talking about the ubiquity of it happening within the U.S. --and around the world, and even going as far as delving into WHY it's happening, to say that this, and the media, and much more is influencing these individual cases. And I CAN see how that is happening, I am not denying it one bit. But I stand firm on believing that there are numerous cases out there of men not liking an Asian female for these reasons, even though things such as physical appearance might influence attraction, which is completely normal. This is why I was frustrated to hear such as statement as "it is happening in the majority of cases" despite my knowledge of the ubiquity of it, if that makes any sense.

To reiterate, I want to get it straight that ---I am NOT standing up for the majority of the world. So don't put words in my mouth. I am not saying I have never been aware of it. This is frustrating for me because I don't know how many times I can tell you that I understand this concept, that I have seen it in my life before, for you to understand that it's not the same as agreeing with you on it's instances in cases.

Do you think I am not frustrated about this as well? I know I may not you, I am not an Asian male, or even a white male for this matter, but I am just as impacted and bothered by all of this, especially because I AM an Asian female. You are right, I HAVE experienced this first-hand, and I have been hurt by it, in different ways than you have, and have dealt with it firsthand as well to understand what this means to me. It's not soemthing that I am not proud of it. I am actually very ANGRY about it. And sad to look back and can see clearly that I fell in love with someone who dated me not for me, but for something else.


Bottom line is, you can call it naive or anything you'd like, but it's taking me time to see and believe that the majority is like this. I know you are basing this opinion based on your personal experiences, exposure, and accounts, and research. And I am right now acknowledging that. I simply can't change my mind over night based on YOUR experiences and accounts though. It is more clear to me now and recently BUT what is going on, again, it is NOT proof or evidence that it is happening with the relationships that I do see. This is frustrating for you, but this is frustrating for me too.

Frankly, I just want to be done with this as well. I do appreciate
you typing out all that you did though. I learned some things.

Hunnie,

I have accumulated a list of potential employers of your interest. I have separated them into Yes's and Maybe's:

50 Below
(http://www.50below.com)
5 W. 1st Street Ste 302 Duluth MN 55802
Phone: 866-527-6697 Fax:
Contact: Nate Martineau
Email: jobs@50below.com
Position: Inside Sales Representative, Duluth, MN, Full-Time
Position: Web Graphic Designer, Duluth, MN,


http://www.50below.com/careers/54_Senior_Web_Site_Builder.pdf