Five things I like about myself:

- I truly believe in the good of people (until they prove me wrong on multiple occasions)
- I can connect with people very well on an emotional level. I quickly empathize with others and can understand people's emotions.
- I am beautiful. :) Inside and out.
- I am artistic. I know how to dance, sing, draw, write, and think philosophically.
- I am a genuine human being.

I need some talk therapy. I have a lot I feel I need to get off my chest and out of my system. But I can't exactly do that with anyone around me, I'm no longer close to anyone, and I don't feel comfortable sharing my thoughts and feelings with my sisters at all anymore. I only feel judged every time I talk to them.

What is it about me that makes me so unlikable? I know I have many weaknesses and I am glad they are being pointed out to be. I appreciate every constructive criticism I receive, but at the same time, I also don't want to become consumed with it and become depressed focusing on it and being self-conscious about it. The last thing I need is depression right now. It's been years since I've been actually depressed, so I have forgotten how it really feels like. I definitely don't want to slip into that trap again though! So I am trying my best to stray as far away from debilitative thoughts as possible.

One of my main weaknesses is being too naive. I tend to believe in the good in people, and it makes me lose touch with reality. Every time someone disappoints me, I become so surprised and hurt. And betrayed. Putting it in writing really helps me to realize how extreme this all sounds. I am truly an idealistic person. And it is my biggest shortcoming. I will be so naive because I am so nice to people. I hate feeling judged, and I hate it when people can't connect emotionally to one another.

Dan expressed that he would like for me to think about my actions before I take them more. Think before I say things too. Some things I say can end up hurting me in the end, and I need to be more aware of the big picture in the long run. I can't let my emotions dictate so many decisions and judgments in my life. I tend to make most of my judgments based on my feelings and emotions instead of background knowledge and experience.

That's a great way to put it. I appreciate that Dan is so patient with me. I know I need to be patient with him too... and I am! Speaking of patience, Dan has lost 2 lbs lately! He looks amazing right now. Whoever thought two pounds can make such a huge difference. He went from 166 to 164. It's a great start. :)

His two interviews in the past two days did not go well. And I know that's really discouraging. But I know he just needs practice as well as the right timing. He has one more tomorrow, with Barometer? for an ITgenome internship position. I pray to God he gets this. It would be PERFECT for him! Being a Genetics/Physiology major and IT interest and all...

I had a lot more I wanted to write but maybe I will save it for later. Ja mata!

One of my weaknesses most definitely is being too nice. This is why I get taken advantage of by others easily. And an unfortunate by-product of this weakness of mine is being naive. I hate that word. I've hated it since my sisters called me it years ago. And I've tried to stray away from it as much as I help since then. But ironically, the nicer I am, the more naive I become. Why is it so difficult for me to just stand up for myself, and even be mean to people. The only person I can think of that I have actually done this to is my own mother. Otherwise, I think I've tried to be nice to everyone I know in my life---which is hurting me more than it has ever helped me. I've stood up to Anh and Xuan, and my mother, and even Jesse when there was that risk of being taken advantage of, but I've never really actually just stuck it through, I've always given in somehow, in forgiveness or in naivetivity. And Dan hates that about me. He hates that I am too nice to people, that I don't have the heart to see people for who they could really be but for how I expect them to be (as nice as me). And it's a negative thing.

He pointed this out to me when I became upset again over my willingness and extra effort in creating P90X dvds for my coworkers, Nikki and Candy. He doesn't like the fact that I am spending extra time on something so unnecessary, and that he can see me get taken advantage of easily. He took Marty as another example. Now that I can agree to, but the P90X example I didn't. The Marty situation disgusts me, and I will try everything in my power to stay away from him. I hate myself. I hate myself.

I always want to please people. I always want to be nice. I always want to do the right thing though. I hate this. I need to learn the difference between doing the right thing (for myself), and being mean.

It doesn't give Anh an excuse for being as pathetic as she is though.